01 02 03 Amorina Rose Writes: How do we get to this place? 04 05 15 16 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 31 32 33

How do we get to this place?

34
3rd July 2015

        In my first entry I talked about the fact that technology is the one thing that holds me back.  I was talking about self-publishing specifically but having started this blog I am now fast realising that there is more than that aspect holding me back.  

The book, my book is with publishers so I am waiting to see what happens.  This is a SIL (self imposed limbo).  I have given it a name because when in SIL I don’t do anything.  I wait when I have all this free time to look at something else (yes, there is book 2, and 3 and also 4 and they are in the works, at least 10,000 words under their glorious titles).  Logic would dictate I am expecting a rejection because deep inside I can't let myself believe I could be so lucky so I am persevering in my dream by biding my time and patiently waiting.  Of course, I need to be reassured before I keep working or at least that is what I have drummed into myself over and over again.

Why is that you might well ask?  A lack of confidence in my abilities that says  why work hard at something else until I know I stand a chance, and really deep down I know I don't stand a chance. But then, if that is true why do I even have the next books started? I said I was a contradiction and it is very apparent to me that I wasn't kidding when I said that.
         
I know my mind doesn't flow the way it does for other people and what seems logical to them isn't for me.  It takes me forever to understand things and do them and that includes writing but what I have always been able to rely on was my perseverance. I can bide my time because I truly believe in myself and I will make it happen.  See, I always have before.  If you ask my children they will tell you I have always been able to find a way despite the odds and I had lots of those to stop me but they didn’t.  I am talking about everything here, about finding ways when I shouldn't have been able to but I persevered.

With writing I dreamed the dream more years ago than you could possibly believe but what I now understand is that my ability to find a way has been my biggest stumbling block.  It allowed me to push what I wanted so badly aside because one day I would find a way.  I didn't count on running out of time. or maybe I did. Wouldn't that give me every viable excuse not to have succeeded?

When I got on the computer the other night and started playing with this blog I got really brave.  Right now however I am feeling really afraid that no-one will want to read this because my lack of expertise in technology means I don't have the knowledge to do fancy tricks, add fancy things to make this about my readers and not just me.  I am hoping this time they will have perseverance while I work all this out. In the meantime I wrote something that gives a little insight into fears and facing them.  It helps me understand a little better that I might believe but I am not quite the intrepid traveller I thought I was.


Self-portrait

Intricate patterns of clear
Interwoven with butterflies and
Tulips the stain of reality for
The mind represented.
Colours, beautiful, so bold
And catching the sight but
Not the eye for
The eye will recognise fragility
But sight will see stained glass.

Delicate, easily shattered,
Fragmented into the mixed
Tiny, shiny pieces that can be
Subtly shaped to appear
Meaningful but are in truth
So deceptively inclined to
Hide what is after all
Damaged goods, broken glass

No matter the fixation of Glory.


Ci vediamo (We'll talk again soon)
Barb

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