March already!
So, hard to believe and I wish I could say time flies when you are having fun
but this is real life so it wouldn’t be quite true. Life is fun but it is also a lot of hard work
sometimes just to survive. I am more
aware of this as I grow older not so much because of the aging process but
because the time grows short to reach the dream and you have to wonder if it is
or ever was the right dream. Surely it
has to be since I have wanted it for so long?
Yet here I am and whilst a lot of my dreams have come to fruition the
ones I considered the most important are somewhat lagging behind, writing and
the soul mate.
Not so long
ago I came across an article by a man called Mark Manson and it caught my
attention. Mark works in the area of personal growth and development and I will
have a link at the end of this so that if you want to follow up you can at your
leisure. The article talks about people wanting to feel good and lead happy
lives. The right job, looks,
relationships, money, admiration and popularity all rate fairly high here. To
want these things is human, to have all these things is luck, or is there more
to it. Some people do get it all, some
have specific desires in mind, achieve this and it gives them access to more. Some people achieve but aren’t happy feeling
their success is measured in some way and comes up lacking. It wasn’t what they
had in mind or it hasn’t included the relationship and family, or admiration. Happiness slips a little down the ladder in
their minds. And, happiness of course is
the ultimate measure. The article
resonated and started me thinking.
Though I may
lack money and position (very awkward at this stage of life but then they never
mattered that much to me) I have still managed to do quite a bit. Has it been all that I wanted? Has it been
what I dreamed of in the deepest recesses of my mind? Can I can look around me
and say I am happy? These are questions
I find hard to answer because whilst I can say yes unfortunately I can also say
no to so much more. Now this is where I
found Mark’s article so interesting. Like many of you, I
have dreams that haunt me. They have sat
and sat and gone nowhere. Why? It’s not
like I am the proverbial spring chicken. I have had a few years in which to
dream and achieve some modicum of success. Success being what stock replies suggest
is being happy because being happy comes from achieving equilibrium in career
and family. Alright this seems to be a
fair call but if there are still dreams unfulfilled how can there be any
equilibrium?
Why did these
dreams fall by the wayside? I mean it
has to be the rare person who has the right career, the right partner, money in
the bank, admiration, just a few of those wonderful titbits of living that adds
dimensions to our lives. Can it be these people chose so well that things fell
into place? What drove them? Mark
believes they asked the right questions whilst many of us were too afraid. He
sees success as people asking and answering the following “... what pain do
you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems
to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.” Wow! This
resonated like a hammer to the head so I had to investigate further. I had to look at myself closely, truthfully
and ruthlessly. I don’t have a complaint with things in my life, I have three
wonderful children (three grandchildren and another on the way) and some great
friends and family even if they are a long way away these days yet I am
restless, too restless to be truly happy and at peace. I always have been.
You see, I
dreamed of a world where I wrote books that would bring pleasure to
people. I dreamed of a world where my
poetry would make those of us that struggle with the emotions of life feel less
alone. I dreamed of meeting the soul
mate who would somehow understand me and I would understand him and together we
would weather the stormy seas of life. (That last line is a bit cheesy, I admit
it.) Instead I married someone, a good person, who could not hurt me even when
the relationship fell apart. There
wasn’t the real angst only a token one. With him I had a house and kids and I
did courses that proved I could write because “I was biding
my time before I could invest the proper amount of time and effort into getting
out there and making it work. First, I needed to finish…” What did I need to finish? The courses? It was hard finding time for those courses, I
had a shift-worker husband and three kids and I lived out in the suburbs at a
distance from family. Seemingly I was
prepared to suffer for things I didn’t dream about and not prepared to suffer
for the things I really wanted: a conundrum for sure. “People want to be
rich without the risk, without the
sacrifice… Everybody wants to have great sex and an awesome
relationship—but not
everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the
hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle…“ They settle for what their comfort
zone can handle; the pain they can handle.
The
blog was a big step for me. It exposed
my dream to the public. There is no one
day I will publish anymore because I am writing about the event. It is coming. I
can’t hide behind tomorrow. And what you may ask will happen with the
romance. Oh well, I can write about
it. It is why I write romance. I believe great love exists if not for me
this time then maybe in the next life because I finally understand that “what we get out of life is
not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we’re willing and
able to sustain to get us to those good feelings.” Ignore anyone
who says you just have to want it enough.
They are wrong. If it’s right you
will want it enough to get it right and not waste years on an ideal or a
fantasy so concentrate on the fact that if you don’t get into the game there is
no chance of winning. Pick the right
game and play. There is no gain without
cost. I am just lucky I realised it
before any more time passed. You see for
many years I thought I wanted something but then I discovered the truth was I lacked
courage. Was it the wrong dream? I had a
choice, find a new dream or pay the costs and make the original dream happen
because it hasn’t gone away. But the dream now has a grown-up who wants to play
and play hardball. To quote Mark again “our struggles
determine our successes. So choose your struggles wisely, my friend.”Time will
tell.